I stopped attending church and I'm glad I did!

Source: Piximus

Woah, before you pull out your holy water or start calling my phone all at once, please note that I said I stopped going to church and NOT that I stopped being Christian. Hahaha, a lot of you who know me may be a little surprised because I was that person who never missed church and at times I would even go to both the services on a Sunday. Before I moved to Korea, I was a small group (cell group) leader and I was enrolled for Bible School at my local church. I was fully involved and even had a membership certificate to prove it.

Miss goody-too-shoes

I would be looked at to do the prayer for food at a restaurant when we went out as friends and I was the one who always gave the most “biblically sound” advice. In my own books, I was a good Christian. I even fasted and if you’ve fasted you’d know how tough it is. I lived my life according to what I thought was the godly standard. The thought of even uttering a curse word was foreign to me and I’d use other less hectic words such as “sherbet” for shit and “fudge” for fuck. I had my "christianese" on lockdown and half the time I didn’t really get most of the phrases but I used them anyway because hey, then I sound more spiritual, right?! 

Church family

I enjoyed church. Church was and is a family. I found most of my friends in church, which was amazing because we talked the talk and walked the walk together. They understood me and they shared my love for the Lord Jesus Christ. We were brothers and sisters in Christ and that made me feel at home. I grew in leaps and bounds in my understanding of God. In every worship session, I felt connected to God and moved by the Spirit until one day I didn’t. Everything just started to change.

The attack...hahahaha!

I thought to myself that maybe it was an attack (You know us Christians mos, everything is an attack) from the enemy and so I prayed harder. I was no longer excited about going to church and leading the small group felt really tough. During the sermons, my mind would drift and worship felt like such a chore. I felt tired. Tired of always having to get into the Spirit before I could sing a song and tired because I felt like if I didn’t cry enough then did I even connect to God? 

So I began to attend other churches just to see if maybe I needed a change in scenery. I went to the cool kid church, the one where everyone is dressed so hip and every worship session feels like a concert. I tried the jumping up and down and going crazy for the Lord bit but still, I felt the tiredness. That feeling of needing rest. The need to go back to basics. I tried another church as well and that too didn’t help much. On the other hand, I was skipping Bible School classes and only attending Small Group to socialise with the ladies. 

After a chat with my Life Coach, I soon realised that it was okay for me to be at this point. It was okay for me to not want to attend Bible School and be a Small Group leader. It was okay for me to just want to go back to basics and know God in a different way. It took me a while to admit this openly and to be okay with it. 

Back to basics...

At the end of last year, I started attending the local Methodist church in Cape Town CBD. While in boarding school I attended Methodist so it felt like going back home. Things were simple. No lights, no band. Just a lady playing the organ and singing altogether. They even had a section in the program that dealt with current affairs and prayer around that. Then it was the sermon and thereafter, the benediction. It felt good. It felt simple and it felt like I could just come as I was. I was grateful. The part I enjoyed most about that church was that they served the homeless people. They made an effort to be of practical help in the community. I loved it.

Church, the Korean way...

 But obviously I moved to Korea and I had to find a new home. I visited two American English churches and to be honest, they gave me that same tired feeling I had last year. So I never went back. I then was invited to a Korean church by my former vice principal. That was a whole other experience. Apart from the fact that I couldn’t hear what the pastor was saying, I felt a warm welcome from the congregation. I think they were really surprised to see a foreigner at their church. 

After the service, I was invited to eat lunch with the church members. I was pleasantly surprised. Every Sunday, some women in the church cook for the entire congregation. It’s so sweet, honestly. And the grannies basically forced food down my throat and would not take no for an answer hahaha.

I then also attended a local Korean church by myself. I knew it was futile but I needed to be in the house of the Lord. So I went. I sat down and everyone turned to look at me in surprise. But then soon afterwards, I was being handed a Hymn book (in Korean) and the Bible, also in Korean to follow where the pastor was reading. It was funny. I used Google translate to try and at least find out which scripture was being read. At least that gave me light nyana hahaha. 

The same thing happened at this church where I was taken under the wings of the grannies, who fed me till I could no longer take it. I was then saved from them by the Mamoruti (Pastors wife) who spoke a little bit of English. She took me to the Pastors office where the Pastor gave me a gift. It was really special. 

She then asked if I would return and I said I would visit but cannot attend regularly because you know….LANGUAGE!! hahaha. Anyway, from that day on I decided that actually, you know what I’m tired. I need a break from church… and so I took it. I decided to stop searching and to be honest, I’m glad I did. 

Uncharted paths

At first, it was scary. The only way I knew how to come to God was within the context of the church. Unfortunately, I had used church involvement and all that stuff as a standard to measure how my relationship with God was. If I attend church, read the Word, had quiet time, fasted, did everything by the book and been a good girl, then my relationship with Him was good. If not then, I was backsliding.

It still is scary though I won’t lie. I am learning and unlearning a lot of things I picked up along the way, which I feel are not working for me. I’m questioning a lot of things and not just taking things at face value. I have changed. My Christian walk has changed. Some will say I have backslidden (Ai that word haha) and to be honest I don’t blame them. I no longer tick the boxes of what makes a good Christian and I’m okay with that.

I’m learning about God in a different way. I’m learning that He is bigger than the box that I had put Him into. I’m learning that I am human. That I make mistakes and that He is not surprised by them. I’m allowing myself to make mistakes and take risks (obviously, with some thought). I’m learning that He doesn’t work on a points system, where if you’re good you get blessed and if your life and decisions are a little messy, then it’s late for you. I’m learning. 

Some days I’m confident and other days I doubt. But still, in Him I trust. 

I’ll go back to church eventually. But, for now, I’m good fam!