Dealing with loss while living abroad

It feels so great to be writing again. I last wrote the beginning of December and decided to take a break after realizing that most of you were in the thick of Dezemba and that reading a blog post would be the last thing on your minds. We all know that in South Africa Dezemba is a lifestyle. It’s that time of the year when we let our hair down and engage in lots of leisure activities. I must say I quite missed Dezemba as I watched people’s WhatsApp statuses on a daily. While South Africa was Dezemba’ring, the rest of us were going to school and teaching as if nothing happened. I worked until December 28^th imagine. 

Anyway, my holiday finally came when I had the opportunity to solo travel to a few East Asian countries. It really was one of the most fulfilling and confidence boosting experiences of my life but it was also clouded by sadness and worry over some tragic news that I received about someone dear to me.

I thought my first post of 2019 would be that of my awesome trip but unfortunately, life has other plans. And so I am rather going to take this moment to touch on the reality of experiencing loss when you are living far away from home.

 So unexpected

I had just arrived in Bali and was in a taxi on my way to the hotel at around 12:30 am when a friend of mine called me to tell me the sad news. She told me that Greg and his friends, had gone on holiday to Mozambique and that while they were there they went swimming at the beach and somehow they had gotten pulled into the water and were missing at sea. Shock immediately rushed over me and I started to cry. She went on to say that there was a rescue mission to try and find them. I was so confused. How did this happen? I had so many questions running through my mind at that point that I forgot to pay the cab driver. He waited patiently and eventually had to remind me as I probably would have taken my stuff and left.

That was the beginning of a very long week. To be honest my body was in Bali but my mind was at home. Every moment I got I would search the internet to try find any updates on the story, anything nje in hopes that maybe they were found. Days passed and still nothing. The rescuers were doing their best under the circumstances but still, they couldn't find them. 

Being on holiday when you wish you could be around friends and family can be a bit difficult. During the day I would do great and fun activities that helped take my mind off things but come night time, the thought of Greg missing at sea and the thought of what his mom must be going through would make me feel helpless and hopeless. 

The day I arrived in Malaysia I found out that he had been found and that he had passed on. It was difficult to accept, to say the least, and it is still is. A young life has gone too soon.

 The downside of living far away from family

Losing someone you cared for is never easy, especially if they pass on in a tragic manner. That was one of my fears when I thought of moving abroad. "What if something happens to my parents?" or "What if my one of my family members or friends dies?" I'd think to myself. We think of these things. Or at least I can imagine that a lot of expats here worry about the death of a loved one. We think of the logistics and the money it will cost to go back home for the funeral. 

This is anxiety you learn to live with as an expat. You try to put it at the back of your mind because if you think about it too much it could steal your joy. But often that anxiety springs right up when you call home and your parents don’t pick up your calls. Or if you go an unusually long time without speaking to one of your family members- for me that’s usually about three days, lol. 

During a time of mourning in African culture, the bereaved family is surrounded daily by family and friends. I now understand the importance of that kind of support because the pain of losing someone is a lot to bear on your own. 

 Gone but never forgotten

This past year I lost my great aunt Rakgadi Molelekoane, Ntate Ndaba and now Greg and I must say the most difficult part of it all was not being able to say my final goodbyes. But I guess that is one of the downsides of living so far away from home.

Anyway, one thing I have been trying to do is to remember and treasure the memories I shared with all of them. I think of my aunt in happier times and remember Ntate Ndaba’s calming voice as he told stories about my naughty niece. With Greg, it's a little more difficult, maybe it's because I still thought we had time. It happens with us young people, we think we still have time but death comes like a thief in the night- when you least expect it.

I’d like to borrow a snippet from a sonnet we once read in school called ‘Death, be not proud’: “…One short sleep past, we wake eternally and death shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die.” – John Donne

To all who have lost a loved one may you find comfort and healing in the Lord Jesus Christ.